"A modest proposal" to improve soccer :)

P.J. O'Rourke, as always, has quite a few hysterical lines, such as "As an American I remain convinced that English, if spoken loudly enough, can be understood by anyone" ...
before concluding thus:

Soccer matches should be something special, something people eagerly look forward to, something that brightens life. You're almost there. Just use your hands, introduce some full-body blocking, expand the goal area, break up the game a little so that people have time to go to the bathroom between plays and maybe change the shape of the ball slightly so it's easier to carry. Now you've got a sport.