Understanding what professors mean at meetings ...

A new academic year has begun ... so, the following is worth repeating...
One of the many reasons why I attend very few meetings on campus :)

David Galef writes:

the language in departmental meetings is difficult to read, even for veterans who’ve been teaching at U of All People for decades, and the proceedings really deserve a translation. In return for a modest travel voucher, the psycholinguist Martin Baffle has provided a rough equivalency chart for all future meetings:

Utterance	Implication
Let’s come to order.	This meeting should’ve started 15 minutes ago.
Who’ll take notes?	I’m not doing it two months in a row.
We have five items on the agenda.	We’ll be lucky if we get past two.
You have the documents in front of you.	I see that none of you downloaded what I sent.
With all due respect ...	I’m about to be rude.
I have a question.	I have a comment.
I have issues with --	I can’t tell you how much this pisses me off.
Can you repeat that?	I need to buy some time.
What’s best for our students ...	What works for me ...
I’m a bit puzzled by ...	I hate ...
Do I hear a motion?	Will someone please save me?
Let’s send this back to the committee.	Let’s deep-six this baby.
Can we take this up next time?	I don’t have my minions here right now.
I have to leave early for another meeting.	I’m more important than you.
I’m sorry, but I have to pick up my son.	I have my priorities straight.
Do I see a hand?	Stop interrupting.
As a point of procedure ...	No other way I can stop this.
If I may make a comment ...	Now that everyone else has had a say, I intend to drone on for as long as I like.
Shall we call the question?	Can we for Chrissake get on with this?
Paper ballots, please.	I see we don’t trust each other.
How about just a show of hands?	We’ll smoke ’em out.
Please, this is a private matter.	Back-channel all sniping e-mail.
As I recall, we do have a precedent for that ...	As the longest-standing faculty member in the room, I can make up anything before 1970.
We can decide this next matter in a hurry.	I hope no one’s read beyond page two.
That’s not what I said.	I wish I hadn’t said that.
Correct me if I’m wrong.	I know I’m right on this one.
Here are our recommendations.	Here are our demands.
To speak anecdotally ...	I haven’t a shred of evidence to back this up.
The administration may not agree with us on this one.	The provost wishes we were dead.
I don’t believe Professor Jones has had a chance to speak.	Stop marking papers, Jonesie.
We need to set up a committee.	We don’t want to talk about it now.
I’m just the moderator.	The buck starts here.
Let me remind you ...	I know you know I know you know.
Personally ...	I love talking about myself.
The dean has asked for our opinion.	He wants a rubber-stamp approval.
You have proxies?	But aren’t Professors Winthrop and Leighton dead?
The meeting is now adjourned.	Time for a drinkie.