How to solve America's problems in, yes, two seconds

Again, from America's Finest News Source:

A study published Thursday by psychologists at the University of North Carolina concluded that all American problems—from stuck jacket zippers to the national debt—could be solved if citizens just stopped, took a deep breath, and thought for two seconds before they acted. "We found that in 93 percent of cases, a positive outcome could have been achieved if Americans simply splashed a little water on their faces prior to dealing with an unfair boss, being out of clean spoons, signing on to direct a second Wall Street film, or answering a call from a parent," Janet Mallory, the study's lead author, told reporters. "Our data indicate that when U.S. citizens don't take a second to compose themselves, they typically charge in like maniacs and hurt either themselves or several million Iraqi civilians." Mallory said a good rule of thumb for Americans is to think of a plan, stop, and then do the complete opposite

How do these wonderfully talented people at the Onion keep coming up with gems like this without fail?  I am so bloody jealous of their creative and humor-filled brain :)

I think I picked up, in my childhood, the taste for satire and sarcasm in humor, by watching and reading "Cho" ... His play/film "Mohammed Bin Thuglak" was as crazy as the Monty Python skits ... though, years later, I began to wonder if Cho was channeling through the movie an anti-Muslim message.  I prefer to think not, and imagine the movie to be nothing but satire ...