Life is never about me, me, me

On a wintry February day five years ago, I pulled up at a gas station.

The attendant, a young man, came running.  With a huge smile, he asked, "how you doin', sir?"

"Fine.  How are you?" 

"Living a life in gratitude" he replied as he took my credit card. After handing the card back to me, he proceeded to clean the windshield.

His facial expression, his body language, and the way he spoke, told me that he meant every word of "living a life in gratitude." I wondered how he gained that wisdom at such a young age.

We often go through life without being thankful for the people and materials in our lives. Gratitude calls for a meaningful and profound appreciation for what one has. 

Gratitude is not merely mouthing "thanks."  Not at all.  People often seem to mistake the "thanks" that is often the lubricant in social interactions with gratitude itself.  There is the etiquette of "thanks" and then there is gratitude.  In a post a couple of years ago, I included this quote from Arjun Appadurai, a fellow Tamil-American and an eminent social scientist:

[In] societies, like the Tamil one, that are based on reciprocity as a fundamental social principle, morality and etiquette are inextricably linked. In the modern West, by contrast, etiquette and morality are distinct domains, and although gratitude might be a moral question, thanking someone is frequently just a matter of good manners. Apparently similar kinds of awkwardness might therefore conceal dramatically different moral assumptions about the appropriate currency for the giving of thanks.

It is not any surprise that there is a Tamil expression that perhaps is not used that much anymore compared to years past: நன்றிகெட்ட நாயே (nanrikketta nāāye) means "a gratitude-lacking (or ungrateful) dog."  That wonderful phrase packs a ton of emotion in it, which I am incapable of accurately translating and explaining.

I would venture that all Tamil people are also familiar with one couplet by Tiruvalluvar, who had plenty to say about gratitude too, including this: நன்றி மறப்பது நன்றன்று நன்றல்லது அன்றே மறப்பது நன்று.  I would loosely translate to: It is not good to forget the good things; but, it is good to immediately forget the bad (thoughts and deeds.)  Of course, the second part of the couplet, which advises one to forget the bad, doesn't agree with my philosophy of life in which I neither forget nor forgive!

A few years ago, I read an essay in The Atlantic that was about "gratitude without god."  It raised a question that is important to people like me who are convinced that we can lead moral and fulfilling lives without religions and gods: "You can thank your grandma for making delicious pie, but who do you thank for the circumstances of your life?" 

The essay noted: 

We all begin life dependent on others, and most of us end life dependent on others. If we are lucky, in between we have roughly 60 years or so of unacknowledged dependency. The human condition is such that throughout life, not just at the beginning and end, we are profoundly dependent on other people. ... Gratitude is the truest approach to life. We did not create or fashion ourselves. We did not birth ourselves. Life is about giving, receiving, and repaying. We are receptive beings, dependent on the help of others, on their gifts and their kindness.

Appadurai underscored the morality that guides gratitude in the Tamil culture, and contrasted that with "thanks" that is said as a matter of etiquette in the West.  He noted the importance of gratitude in relationships between people:

What’s clear is that gratitude deeply intersects with a culture’s attitude about the self and its relation to others. Are we individuals forging our own paths, or members of a larger whole? ... 

Gratitude is, after all, ultimately a skill that strengthens our relationships—and it arises when we pay more attention to our relationships and all the gifts they bring us. “At a time when the society seems to be more about me me me, we really need to get people thinking about connections”

As always, or so it seems, research, on which tens of thousands of dollars were spent, merely confirms the old wisdom!

In positive psychology research, gratitude is strongly and consistently associated with greater happiness. Gratitude helps people feel more positive emotions, relish good experiences, improve their health, deal with adversity, and build strong relationships.

But, hey, if you would rather listen to researchers on these issues, note that they don't say anything different from what the Tamil culture practiced and advised for centuries:

People feel and express gratitude in multiple ways. They can apply it to the past (retrieving positive memories and being thankful for elements of childhood or past blessings), the present (not taking good fortune for granted as it comes), and the future (maintaining a hopeful and optimistic attitude). Regardless of the inherent or current level of someone's gratitude, it's a quality that individuals can successfully cultivate further.

In this blog, I often note that the cosmos has been kind to me.  While I know that the cosmos does not have any feelings--it just is--I imply that all things considered, there is not much for me to complain about. A sincere and truly religious person who believes in a Creator might have said in a similar situation that God has blessed them.

I think what a sincere believer and I refer to is the same thing: Gratitude.  It is a feeling from deep down within.

One does not need to go to a spiritual leader in order to understand how gratitude can guide one's life.  But, humans that we are, even the religious often forget this and instead fight to live a life of "me, me, me."  Tamils, too, seemed to have strayed away from a daily and genuine practice of gratitude.  We are humans and we err.  I want to make sure that I repay my debts, and pay forward as well in this only life that I have.